The Guilt Trip

This is our 3rd Deployment, and for those of you who say it gets easier each time, well you're wrong! Our first Deployment in Winter 2006 it was just me, his Fiancé. I didn't have any responsibilities other than go to work and stay busy, went to the bar with my co-workers, house parties, heck I even jeopardized my relationship doing all that crap, i was 18 and had no idea what i was in for. Thankfully Mike Forgave me for being what i would call the worlds WORST Fiancé and we got married that Fall when he returned. Now for the 2nd Deployment Summer of 2009 I had a Fresh off the Birthday Cart 1yr old. Mckenzy loved her daddy of course but they didn't have that BOND that little girls get over time with their daddy just yet, She had just stopped breastfeeding and everything was still all about mama. I stayed in Texas with my mom and brother and cried myself to sleep because Daddy was missing her Walk and start to talk and really become the McKenzy we all know and Love. Now for our current Deployment Fall of 2011 I have a 3.5 yr old who is attached to her daddy, a newborn who in all terms attached to me and trying to deal with it. mckenzy acts out, cries for no reason, kicks me hits me and just isn't the happy little girl she was before her daddy left, we got here to Texas Oct.31 and Nov. 3rd she lost her dog, Daddy left Nov.10th and she is in a new place, her routine is shot and things are going to hell! its gotten harder not easier, As much as i support my husband i cant help but hate his job, sometimes i find myself asking whats the point what are we fighting for, but i know my husband is dedicated to his country and deep down i know he is fighting for me, our daughters and loved ones and you, all of you, it may seem like a pointless war but its not, and its his duty to keep us safe, just wish he didn't have to do it so far away and for so long. Now i cry myself to sleep because hes missing Alivias first smile, hes gonna miss it all, And McKenzys 1st dance class and anything else she may conquer. Mike is the most amazing Daddy, Most amazing Husband and when hes gone things are flipped upside down, i lose my mind temporarily. Especially this time and i cant help but lay the guilt trip on myself thick! I opted to bring my family down here while hes gone, up rooting mckenzy from her normal day, taking her to a new place, then taking her dog away and then daddy leaves and my attention isn't divided evenly between her and her sister and i feel like she thinks i don't love her, when i love her more than any word can ever express. and today we lost her cat for 24hrs and i literally felt my insides crumbling. THANK GOD we found her because i don't know if she could have taken anymore loss. I do have to say though she is one amazing kid, she is so sweet to her sister even when my time gets split between them, she is the most loving kid Ive ever met. shes always telling me she loves her sister and that I'm the BEST MOMMY EVER! things like that really make your heart smile. and i have an amazing mom who is there for me when i need to vent and my amazing mother in law who is an army wife and went threw all of this with mike and his brothers and shes in my ear telling me I'm a good mom and that this is just a phase, its really helping me get threw it all. but there are times that i just lay that guilt trip on myself and just cant get back up, hopefully 2012 will bring me more courage, self acceptance and confidence, and A LOT more PATIENCE